Journey to Fatherhood

Gestational surrogacy is one of the most common – and most misunderstood – paths to parenthood for same-sex male couples. It’s also one fo the most complex, expensive, and emotionally demanding ways to build a family. This post breaks down how it actually works, step by step.

First, What Gestational Surrogacy Is (and Isn’t)

Gestational surrogacy means:

• The surrogate does not use her own egg
• She carries an embryo created via IVF
• She has no genetic connection to the baby

This is different from traditional surrogacy (which uses the surrogate’s egg and is rarely used today due to legal and ethical risks).

For male couples, gestational surrogacy requires three core components:

• An egg donor
• A gestational surrogate
• In vitro fertilization (IVF) to create embryos

There is no shortcut around any of these.

Step 1: Let’s Talk About the Awkward Part – Sperm

At some point in this process, you realize you’re explaining your sperm to people who used to just ask how work is going. Friends. Parents. Aunts. People who absolutely do not need this level of detail – except that they kind of do if we’re going to explain how two men end up with a baby.

Yes, it’s awkward. Yes, it involves conversations we never thought we’d have outside a doctor’s office. But it’s a necessary part of understanding how gestational surrogacy works.

Most male couples choose on of three options: 

• Use sperm from one partner
• Use sperm from both partners and fertilize multiple eggs
• Decide later which embryos to transfer

There is no “right” choice – only what aligns with your emotional, genetic, and financial priorities. Many couples start with both partners’ sperm to keep options open, but that increases IVF costs.

From there, things get very medical and very unromantic very quickly – which honestly helps take the edge off the embarrassment.

We’ve accepted that a little discomfort now is worth a lifetime of dad jokes later.

Step 2: Selecting an Egg Donor

Egg donors can be: 

• Anonymous
• Semi-open
• Fully known

Donors are screened extensively – medically, genetically, and psychologically. You’ll review profiles that include: 

• Medical history
• Education and background
• Physical characteristics
• Sometimes childhood photos or audio interviews

Here’s the reality most people don’t tell you: this part is emotionally loaded. You’re making decisions that directly shape your future child, and it can feel overwhelming. It’s important to take your time here. Rushing this step is a mistake.

Step 3: Creating Embryos Through IVF

Once eggs are retrieved and fertilized with sperm, embryos are grown in a lab for several days. 

At this stage, couples may choose: 

• Genetic testing (PGT-A) to screen for chromosomal abnormalities
• To freeze embryos for future use

IVF does not guarantee viable embryos. Even with healthy donors and sperm, attrition is normal. This is one of the first emotional gut punches in the process. 

Step 4: Matching With a Gestational Surrogate

A gestational surrogate is the person who carries the pregnancy. She:

• Has already had successful pregnancies
• Meets strict medical and psychological criteria
• Enters into a legal contract before anything begins

Matching can take months. 

Compatibility matters – communication style, values, comfort level with involvement, and expectations around the relationship all play a role.

If you hear anyone say this step is “easy”, they’re lying or wildly lucky.

Step 5: Legal Contracts (Non-Negotiable)

Surrogacy is not legally simple, and laws vary by state and country.

Before embryo transfer:

• Each party has independent legal representation
• Contracts outline parental rights, compensation, medical decisions, and contingencies

This step protects everyone, especially the intended parents. Skipping or minimizing legal counsel is reckless.

Step 6: Embryo Transfer and Pregnancy 

Once contracts are finalized: 

• An embryo is transferred to the surrogate
• If implantation is successful, pregnancy begins

Even after a positive pregnancy test, risk remains. Miscarriage, complications, and failed transfers happen. Hope and anxiety coexist throughout this phase – it’s normal, but it’s not easy. 

Step 7: Birth and Establishing Parental Rights

Depending on location:

• Pre-birth orders may establish parental rights before delivery
• Or post-birth steps may be required

At birth, the baby is legally yours – but only if everything has been done correctly. This is why experienced legal guidance matters. 

The Part People Avoid Talking About: Cost and Emotional Weight

Gestational surrogacy can cost $120,000-$200,000+ in the US (will break this down in a future post)

Beyond money, it requires:

• Emotional endurance
• Patience and uncertainty
• Comfort and relinquishing control

This process tests relationships – not because couples aren’t strong, but because it demands long-term alignment and resilience.

Why Many Same-Sex Male Couples Still Choose This Path

Despite the challenges, gestational surrogacy allows male couples to:

• Be parents from birth
• Have a genetic connection (if desired)
• Build families intentionally and transparently

For many, that makes the complexity worth it.

When Friends and Family Offer to Help (And WHy That’s Complicated)

One of the most unexpected and deeply touching parts of this journey has been friends and family offering to be an egg donor or a surrogate. We are incredibly lucky to have people in our lives who would even consider something so generous.

And we mean this sincerely: we appreciate those offers more than we can adequately put into words.

That said, these roles are a massive physical, emotional, legal, and time commitment. It’s not just a kind gesture – it’s a life-altering decision. Because of that, we’re being very thoughtful about who will ultimately be involved and how those decisions get made.

Right now, we’re still in the research phase. A lot will come down to agency screenings, medical eligibility, psychological evaluations, and making sure everyone involved fully understands the process and expectations from start to finish.

We don’t want to speak too soon or make promises we can’t keep. What matters most to us is protecting the relationships we already have, while making responsible decisions for our future family.

To our friends and family: your support, love, and willingness to even raise your hands means everything to us. We feel it. We don’t take it lightly. And we’re so grateful to have you walking alongside us as we figure this out.